There are too many things that comprise the world. Humanity in itself, is probably the single most destructive force on the planet right now. I’m not even sure we deserve to live on this earth.
People are destructive on so many ways, on so many levels. From full-scale war, to wide effects of emotional destruction, bent on a single person. Earlier, I was looking through some really graphically disturbing photos. I saw an autopsy photo of the genitalia of a girl (age not mentioned) who was brutally raped by a pedophile.
I lost hope for all humanity.
The parents of this kid. I don’t know how they will live to see another day normally. And yet here I am complaining about the things that I should and shouldn’t do. I’m not expecting an audience, but if there is one, I’m a bit relieved that someone else knows how unhappy I can become with my current situation.
In my experience, if the other half in the relationship is the “giver”, that person has a high risk of being abused in some form or another. It can be emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and sometimes in my experience, physical abuse.
I can’t talk to anyone. The single person I thought I can talk to, well, she’s been long gone now.
A few weeks ago, I had the most wonderful dream. As far as I can remember, the dream lasted for a long time, but I can only recall several seconds, of what seems to be the moment that we all enjoy in a relationship.
I was hugging a woman. As tall as me. She was beautiful. Pale skin. Beautiful eyes, and she had the physique that would be a challenge in bed. She had black hair, not long, but not too short either. She was looking down, embarrassed because I was staring at her too much.
I couldn’t stop looking at her. I knew that any moment now, if I blinked, she’d be gone.
I was hugging her. I remember this feeling. That feeling of hugging that newly found love. You couldn’t care less for the world. You are there, in that place, in that moment, and you could be there forever. I could almost hear her heartbeat, and it was speaking to me.
I love how she smelled. It had the warmth that put me at ease. I wanted to be there, to be within distance of that scent.
Just as I was to explore further in this dream… dream? I remember… This has got to be a dream. I remember what my life is at the moment. I don’t think I’ll be as happy and content as this in my REAL life. I have a real life. She’s fading. I want to dream this again tonight. I have to.
I didn’t.
I woke up. At first, feeling happy. Then feeling sad, even depressed. The thought of not being able to experience that again. Ever.
She looked like a more mature, more beautiful version of my crush in my Second Year in High School. A more pure, more beautiful, and more in love with me version of her.
I wonder how it feels to be loved. I mean really loved. I want that. I want that feeling of being pampered. That feeling of knowing that your mere existence is enough to give her all to you.
Not that feeling of saying the wrong thing and you end up being wrong on so many levels that you’d want to just drop everything and run like Forrest Gump. Run outside. Not stopping, without a care in the world. I am just going to run. I’m going to stop. But I’m going to continue. I don’t care what happens to me, I am fucking running.
To prove a point? Yes. To forget. To replace this feeling with a feat. I will not give up. I can’t. I won’t.
I’m going to sleep now. I’m going to try to have that same dream. Hopefully continue where we left off.
I love my son. I love him very much.
Gain Gunrall 